It's really not in my control that I had to like the first girl all over again. It's been swimming inside for quite some time, and last night, I decided that I just had to tell her that I love her. I really do. But I wasn't very sure what I wanted out of it.
To come out and tell her so was a totally courageous thing to do, at least in my case. I thought no one was strong enough to break my determination that I shan't love again after all that has happened. But she broke that conviction of mine, and it's not because of what you think you've done, or what you'd said. It doesn't come into the picture that things were going quite well of late. It's just because of the way you are in its entirety.
I got rejected.. otherwise I won't be writing in this way. And I still can't believe that the only times that I've said those three words was to the same girl. It's not within my control either. Sometimes I think it'd be better if I carried the burden of not knowing until the day it becomes vividly clear that we weren't meant to be. I just don't know what happened yesterday that made me say it.
Of course it hurts. And don't dare anyone come to me and tell me that there are better flowers out there, or that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I want to be left alone and I promise I'll be better. Last night, a tear was shed and I saw the sunrise as well. Half-asleep, half-awake. Not too sure whether what happened was real or a nightmare.
But I'm taking it better as compared to 3 years ago. It's just that I took such a big gamble and I know things can never be the same, again. If you're reading this, please don't give any explanations after you've thought through it. It's better if I not knew, because whatever little you said on the phone last night, it came close to piercing through my heart.
So I'm just a nice person to talk to? I might as well become a 1900 telephone operator and sell myself.
I'm trying so hard to avoid the sequence of reactions that will follow. First, the self-blame. That I'm not good enough for her. Can't even hold a candle to a guy at a club. Then it'd come the blaming you syndrome. Lastly, it'd come the blaming everyone else cycle.
I think I've dwelled enough of what happened last night. If you decide to look me up again, just don't bring it up again and I promise I won't. But love isn't something that erases just overnight, no matter how hard I force myself to do so. I wish I hadn't put her in that position really.
The show must go on. We had our Convention BBQ fund-raiser at Mosman Park just now. And I had so much fun preparing the BBQ with the rest of the Convention Comm. The BBQ place was just by the sea, so it was really beautiful. But my heart wasn't there really... was somewhat listless.
Jason came by and talked to me. And he was saying that he broke up with his gf, also from Singapore this week... on Wednesday to be exact. And I was thinking, "Oh God. Not you also."
Snap out of it. I'm sure I can do it.