foot.note
05 March 2004
5 March 04 - My world crashed on me today. all my dreams, aspirations. gone. all but shattered. i couldn't even put up a decent performance in history. i feel cold. lonely. humiliated. worst of all, i don't know what my future holds. i let down everyone who believed in me, especially my folks. my tears have all but dried. i'm just feeling numb right now. dun even feel like calling anyone to lean my shoulder upon cos' I dun want to put them in an awkward position. or even worse, do i even have any friends now to lean on? i mean, who on the world after getting good results would bother to be genuinely concerned with a hopeless dope like me. so what if i'm in a top 5 jc when my grades are reflective of someone who didn't even put in the least bit of effort for his exams? i did study k. my classmates know that... even if i do manage to enter NUS FASS, what if i can't get do to what i want and end up in some donkey course which i'm not even interested in? doing A levels again is definitely not an option (screw my math tutor for coming up to me and telling me that). going overseas is a waste of money and i have a problem of making friends. then again, i'd prob have no friends left in s'pore anyway. i just dunno. really dunno. mind is a blank right now. even if i wanted a chance to redeem myself at NUS, would i even get it, and the "correct" subjects at that? tim's dad brought tim, moses n me to suntec city in his car. as soon as we got off, i said bye to them and went back home. alone. i couldn't even find my way to the mrt station from suntec cos i wasn't thinking. lost. fearful. just wanted to go home and cry. home didn't prove to be a better option cos my mum was going on and on about "oh dun worry everything is in god's hands"... n my dad blamed me for not taking tuition. and both of them r telling my brother n sis "eh if u all dun study hard, u're gonna regret it in future"... what if i can't even get into U? i really dun want to be some clerk my whole life and never get promoted just becos i couldn't even get into U. just feel damn ashamed of myself. i'm theoretically supposed to be the brighest among all my cousins. n now it's like, the stupidest? yes, i know it's my fault n all that i landed up in this state today... but hearing my parents nag right now is the last thing i want... worse still, what on the world am i gonna tell my colleagues on monday? i hate to lie about such things, cos i probably can't tell a straight one. i think i'll just end here. i dunno what's next in my life. yes i know that i shd move on and all that, but WHERE? HOW? i just feel the whole world on my shoulder now. lord pls dun forsake me at such a moment like this.